Learning to Trust Yourself
Trusting yourself doesn’t mean believing every thought you have or acting on every feeling.
But it doesn’t mean ignoring yourself either.
For many people, learning to trust themselves begins with something much more basic:
Learning to understand what is happening inside them.
That can be difficult when anxiety is involved. It can be even harder when, somewhere along the way, you learned that your feelings, needs or perceptions were wrong, inconvenient or unsafe to express.
Why feelings can be confusing
Our feelings are important.
They can alert us to fear, sadness, loss, frustration, unfairness, unmet needs, changes in relationships and situations that require our attention.
But a feeling is not always proof of what is happening around us.
Anxiety is a good example.
When we feel anxious, our body may become tense, our heart may race, our stomach may tighten and our attention can become more focused on possible problems or threats.
The feeling is real.
But feeling unsafe and actually being unsafe are not always the same thing.
Sometimes the nervous system is responding to what is happening now.
Sometimes it is responding to what it has learned from previous experiences.
Sometimes it is a combination of both.
This is why simply telling someone to “trust their gut” can be confusing.
But continually telling yourself, “It’s only anxiety, ignore it,” can be just as unhelpful.
The aim is to learn how to listen without automatically believing everything you feel — and without automatically dismissing it either.
What if you learned not to trust your feelings?
Some people learned very early to question themselves.
As children they may have heard:
“You’re too sensitive.”
“Stop crying.”
“There’s nothing to be upset about.”
“You’re being difficult.”
“Don’t be angry.”
“You should be grateful.”
“Just do what you’re told.”
This does not necessarily mean the adults around them were deliberately trying to cause harm.
Parents, teachers, carers and other important adults often respond according to their own upbringing, beliefs, stresses and understanding of children at the time.
But children still learn from these experiences.
A child may begin to think:
Maybe what I feel is wrong.
Maybe my needs are a problem.
Maybe I shouldn’t trust myself.
Maybe I need to keep other people happy to stay safe or connected.
Research has found links between childhood emotional invalidation, difficulties regulating emotions and later symptoms of anxiety and depression. This does not mean these experiences are the single cause of anxiety or depression — mental health is much more complex than that — but they can be one important part of the picture.
When shutting down feelings was protective
Children depend on adults.
They cannot usually leave an uncomfortable environment, explain complex emotional needs or understand why an adult is reacting the way they are.
So children adapt.
If expressing anger leads to punishment, they may learn not to show anger.
If saying no causes conflict, they may learn to agree.
If expressing sadness brings criticism, they may learn to hide sadness.
If keeping an adult happy creates more safety, they may become very good at monitoring other people’s moods.
These responses can make sense in the environment in which they developed.
The difficulty is that we can carry those patterns into adulthood long after we need them.
You might automatically say yes before checking whether you want to.
You might feel guilty when you set a boundary.
You might become anxious when someone is disappointed with you.
You might assume conflict means you have done something wrong.
You might find it easier to understand what everyone else needs than to know what you need yourself.
And sometimes you may feel anxiety, anger or discomfort without immediately understanding why.
Sometimes anxiety needs calming. Sometimes it needs curiosity.
This is an important distinction.
Anxiety can exaggerate danger.
Past experiences can make something happening today feel much more threatening because your brain and body recognise similarities to something that happened before.
Research into interoception — our awareness and interpretation of signals from inside the body — also shows that bodily sensations and emotional experience are closely connected. How we notice and interpret those sensations can influence our experience of anxiety.
So sometimes we do need to calm our nervous system before deciding what something means.
But anxiety should not automatically be dismissed.
Sometimes discomfort may be drawing attention to something important.
Perhaps someone repeatedly crosses a boundary.
Perhaps you are agreeing to something you do not want.
Perhaps the expectations being placed upon you conflict with your values.
Perhaps you feel unable to be yourself in a particular relationship or environment.
Perhaps you have spent so long living according to what other people believe you should want that you have stopped asking yourself what actually fits for you.
Anger can sometimes be part of this too.
Anger is not automatically a problem to get rid of.
It may be signalling:
Something feels unfair.
Something important to me is not being heard.
I need some space.
I don’t want this.
A boundary may be needed here.
That does not mean anger is always correct about what is happening or that acting from anger is always helpful.
It means the emotion may deserve curiosity rather than immediate judgement.
Learning the difference
Self-awareness gives us another option besides reacting or suppressing.
We can pause and ask:
What happened just before I started feeling this?
What am I actually feeling?
What is my body doing?
Does this situation remind me of something I have experienced before?
Am I frightened of what is happening — or frightened of what I think might happen?
Is one of my needs, values or boundaries being overlooked?
Am I worried about disappointing someone?
What are the facts of the situation?
How do I feel about this when I am calmer?
Sometimes the answer will be:
“I was anxious and my mind jumped ahead.”
Sometimes it will be:
“This reminds me of something painful from the past.”
Sometimes it will be:
“I need more information before I decide.”
Sometimes it will be:
“I need reassurance.”
And sometimes it will be:
“No. This actually isn’t okay for me.”
Rebuilding self-trust
For people who learned to disconnect from their feelings, needs or boundaries, self-trust may take time to rebuild.
It is not about becoming more reactive.
It is not about assuming every uncomfortable feeling means someone else has done something wrong.
And it is not about blaming parents or other adults for every difficulty we experience now.
It is about understanding how we learned to relate to ourselves.
Instead of immediately thinking:
“I feel it, so it must be true.”
Or:
“I’m probably just being anxious, so I should ignore myself.”
We can begin to say:
“Something in me is responding. I’m going to listen to it, understand it, look at what is happening around me, and then decide what I need.”
Sometimes that means soothing yourself.
Sometimes questioning your interpretation.
Sometimes recognising an old fear.
Sometimes gathering more information.
Sometimes talking something through.
Sometimes setting a boundary.
And sometimes making a change.
Learning self-trust is not about never doubting yourself again.
It is developing a relationship with yourself where your feelings can be heard without having to control you.
For some people, healing is not learning to become less emotional.
It is learning that emotions are not evidence that you are bad, difficult, weak or flawed.
They are experiences that deserve to be understood.
If this feels familiar
Learning to understand your emotions, boundaries and nervous system can take time, particularly if you learned early to doubt or suppress what you were feeling.
Counselling can provide a supportive space to explore these patterns, understand what may be contributing to anxiety or self-doubt, and develop a more grounded relationship with yourself.