Authenticity Vs Attachment the Struggle to be You

Healing wounded self

“People have two basic needs. Attachment and authenticity.
When authenticity threatens attachment… attachment trumps authenticity.”
— Dr. Gabor Mate


People have many needs some basic and some more complex. As a person ages they may start to notice many aspects of their lives that are not happy and as they would like to be. People often feel they have made sacrifices to keep other people happy and in doing so they have lost a part of themselves. Sometimes people can feel they are no longer themselves at all. Many people have a strong drive to find their true-selves.

Psychospiritual development can proceed in many ways through a person’s life span. Yet it often happens in a big way when a person realizes that a pattern or belief system from childhood is no longer serving them.

As Gabor Mate said in his quote, “we’re born with a need for attachment and a need for authenticity.” Most people abandon their true-selves (authenticity) to please others and keep the relationships (attachments) even if they are ones that are toxic and destructive.

As children we learn to perform or behave in a way that will get us the support and attachment we need. We form strong belief systems that as we get into our 20’s, 30’s and even 40’s we notice issues in our lives and often are unaware of what is causing these issues. I say we because everyone does this. It is a part of life. If we have secure attachments as children and develop healthy beliefs we go on to live relatively happy fulfilling lives. However if we have had insecure, destructive or abusive attachments we develop unhealthy beliefs which go on to form many issues in the areas of relationships, work and money to name a few.

These belief systems are often untrue beliefs we form about ourselves through the interpretations of how others treated us as children and might be as simple as things like:

  • I need to always be a good boy/girl and do as others tell me
  • I always need to follow the rules
  • It’s not safe to be vulnerable
  • I need to put other’s needs first

or as complex as

I’m not worthy
It’s not safe to be me
I don’t deserve to be heard
I am hopeless
Nothing I do is good enough
I’m unlovable

Each unhealthy and untrue belief we have develops certain unhealthy behaviours and we ignore the truth of who we are and sacrifice or avoid our need for authenticity (being our true self). In turn we don’t make healthy attachments, we end up in unhappy relationships possibly even abusive ones.

As adults, we realise that our behaviours no longer serve us and that they are causing many issues and we start longing to be our authentic true selves and to be happy. We often feel unable to be themselves or feel lost.

We notice we are playing out a pattern of behaviour that isn’t working to support the attachment (relationships we really long for… and it’s killing our authentic self.

If you notice patterns of behaviour that cause issues, attract unhealthy or toxic relationships, or cause those you love to distance themselves or you feel unhappy in who you are or that you are not who you feel you want to be deep down in your soul then it may help to speak to a counsellor who understands psychospiritual transpersonal transformation.

Psychospiritual transformation is the process of discovering what those unconscious patterns from childhood are, and getting rid of the patterns that no longer serve us. We help you discover the unhealthy beliefs from your childhood and reprogram them to healthy ones that then help you be your true authentic self and develop healthy attachments (relationships) with people you love having in your life and that respect and love you for who you are.

*Sessions can be in person, by phone or video call. Call now to book your first session to see if this therapy suits you.